He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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