I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
