if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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