I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
