i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
