Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
