remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
