Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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