heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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