Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
