we're chasing vodka with high fives
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
