I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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