my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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