how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
