I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
