I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
