If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
