I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Congratulations! We have a period
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