He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
