He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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