In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
