Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
