I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this just has baby written all over it
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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