my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
