Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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