ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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