I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
