I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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