I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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