I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
