theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
