you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
are you so shy because you have an std?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
