I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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