better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A bitchslap is in order.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
