The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
