OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
