you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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