she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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