Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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