life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
