I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
