i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
