Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
