i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
