In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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