Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
