Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
