no, he came in my armpit
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
