Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
