My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I believe in your delicious
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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