I hate your face
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
this beer tastes like vomit already
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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